Finally, the one you’ve all been waiting for. I understand I’ve been promising this blog for a while so here it is. Prepare yourself… may include crude references/dirty jokes. If you don’t like it then too bad because I am my target audience and personally I find myself hilarious. 

Ya’ll know the story by now of how I got drunk to inadvertently avoid the consequences of my actions. Those actions being downloading tinder and like fully going through with making a profile, answering prompts and uploading pictures.  

This will take a little bit of effort but I’m essentially just gonna run through the scenarios that have stood out to me from the past 8 months on the terrifying world of tinder.  

— reminder that I have and will continue to change everyone’s names for their own safety and dignity, and also because I can’t remember half their names anymore— 

Ok so the first week of tinder, as in like two days later, match with a guy who is also in Gero, 22, english, drives. Cool. Ended up talking on snapchat instead, got super frisky super fast, and then he asks if he can pick me up and we can fuck. It is 1am. My father is awake. We have security cameras.  

“Ok”  

Dumbass hoe 

I say I snuck out of my house but I literally walked out the front door because I couldn’t be bothered to climb the fence to avoid the cameras like my brothers do, so it wasn’t technically sneaking out. Dad sees me on the cameras, of course, and I tell him I’m going for a drive with a friend. I meet this guy James a couple houses down from mine. Get in his car. Keep in mind, I have known this man for approximately 48 hours, have never met him before in my life. And just got in his car.  

I figured that if it was going to go badly I would’ve been feeling worse about it by now. I express these thoughts to James in the exact words, “I hope you don’t kidnap me.” Like thats ever stopped anyone before, idiot. He says, If I wanted to kidnap you I would’ve driven off a lot quicker.  

We drive off and I ask if we’re heading to his place. Nah, his parents just came back from vacation so he’s taking me to a dead end road in the bushes a couple blocks behind my house. Cool cool.  

We get to this abandoned dirt lot, start making out. Its not bad, this might actually be a good time. We get in the back seats, its getting much hotter so he opens his side door. Slips a rubber on (be safe not sorry ladies) and…. can’t feel it…? Not much there to begin with. Its not working.  

Bro what is happening?  

“Sorry this happens everytime I do it in a car, just uncomfortable.”  

So buddy’s just… not gonna do anything? 

I laugh it off because I am so embarrassed and so exposed. Like was that my fault? Did I accidentally catfish him somehow into thinking I was a super experienced hyper sexual model?  

He reckons its no big deal. Asks if I want to go home. IT HAS BEEN A TOTAL OF LIKE 10 MINUTES. I am not going back now to be interrogated by my father, so I stall. And he takes the bait. Eats it up in fact. 

For the next 50 MINUTES this guy just talks. About his work, his childhood, his parents, his friends. Just yappa-yappa-yapping. I’m sitting butt-naked in his back seat still. Maybe he just really needed to get some of that off his mind? But I don’t even say anything for literally the whole time, before he’s like, ok time to get you home.  

HUH?? Ok, not going to try again, sure.  

He drops me off a couple houses down, kisses me goodbye and I say that he owes me big time. Not only for getting me in trouble, but your girly is a sleepyhead. I should be snoring at this point in time, and instead I’m jogging home with no bra and untied shoes, through the sprinklers going off down the street.  

Get home, mums awake. She is not happy for good reason, telling me to go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning. 

She knew it would be a guy (mum still had this parental app on my phone that could see what apps I downloaded, so she knew I was on tinder). See the problem is, mum thinks I’m worth more than just sex in the backseat of a car with a guy I don’t know. It was barely sex I tell her. But also, a girl has needs. My ex boyfriend lived with me for 5 months so it was coming cheap and easy with no travelling time necessary. After breaking up in March I mostly focused on school after that so I didn’t have time to go out and get it on. I did now I’d finished school. 

I promised I wouldn’t go out like that again at night, and to let her know if I was talking to someone where going out together was a possibility. 

That promise is very easy to keep when no one is interested.  

I invited James over the next week but he said he was in Perth… And then he unadded and unmatched with me. So thats great 

The next best thing was Charlie but ya’ll know about him already so we’ll just graze over that. I’d told mum early that night he was going to pick me up, and in a disappointed tone she solemnly enquired, “not to have sex in a car again?” I said yeah, but its Charlie Lastname lol so at least I know he’s a nice guy. Mum let me out of the house with limited arguing. After round 2 we were sitting in the backseat of Charlie’s car still and I asked what he told his parents about where he was. He’d said he was out with a friend, which he does quite a bit so it wasn’t sus. He asked what I told my parents and I let him know that my mum knew what we were doing. Charlie was shocked and it was so funny for me to know, that he knew, that the parent helper who taught him spelling words was now helping himself to her daughter.  

But enough about him. (Charlie has long since removed me on snapchat, maybe got a gf, maybe not interested in the distance, whatever) 

After that it was pretty dead, had one guy who had started a conversation with me, didn’t reply, AND THEN HIT ME UP CHRISTMAS EVE like bro? I am not a booty call to take home for your parents on the holidays. Also I had just been at church that night so I was having a moment of clarity and purity. 

Short lasted.  

There was one guy that kept asking me to come over to his house, even though I’d said I couldn’t drive. Eventually I unadded him, and then he found my instagram?? Which reallyyy creeped me out because I didn’t have that in my bio, don’t have my last name anywhere he could have seen, and also I had already expressed disinterest. Blocked. 

Within the first couple weeks I had ran out of guys in Gero, unsuprisingly, as I was after a non-smoker, non-druggo, limited/no facial hair, decent build, cute face, within my age range. Ya’ll might think its picky but I find it reasonable.  

Tinder then asked me to expand my distance, forcing me to go global. Ending up matching with this guy from Sydney, lets call himmm.. Travis. Travis was a little bit older, very chill, bakes bread, and keeps plants alive in terrariums. He wasn’t necessarily my type but I could (and have) got used to it. We’ve been talking at this point for like a whole 7 ½ months, as he was literally one of the first people to match with me, and not unmatch me. Past few months he’s had this on again off again thing with another girl, so sometimes if he stops snapping me as much I know to back off. Travis was the guy I was supposed to see while I was in NSW, but I have a feeling he was back with his girlfriend because when I said I’d be over east a few more days (subtle way of saying lets hang out, right?) he asked what my favourite part of NSW had been so far like a freaking tour guide. Thats alright though, because I feel some of the things he was into were a little bit freaky. Not that I wouldn’t try them, but its maybe more for a relationship than an interstate one night stand.  

Moving on to some less successful stories, and it gets quite atrocious.  

Prior to moving to Bunbury, I had changed my location settings so I could set up a roster for when I moved down here. Here I am 6 months later with not a single person to roster on.  

One of them who I was chatting to had no idea how to take an attractive photo of himself. As in, the d pic I was sent, I could only see the tip because he took it looking down from chin height and his belly was in the way. Same person also said my thighs (from a picture of my fully clothed legs crossed in front of me laying on the couch) made him hard. After I said wasn’t actually interested – read; turned all the way off – sent me 4 whole paragraphs saying how he didnt need a relationship but was perfectly happy to keep sending me sneaky pictures if I’d like. I said no thanks. And that was that. 

Then a separate guy, who isnt my usual type due to vaping and a scratchy looking half moustache, but had really pretty eyes, lets call him Ryan. So I’d arranged to go out with him like my first week in Bunbury, except we had a family lunch on earlier in the day so I said I’d message him afterwards and then he could pick me up. Ryan was cool about it, didn’t mind picking me up and whatever. Family lunch finished much earlier than predicted (thank goodness) and I’d texted him to say I was free…. no reply. It gets to 11pm that night and still no reply. Loser. I told my mum I was going out and now she thinks I’ve been stood up again. Well I had been but not the point. Anyway I went to bed, wake up the next morning and he’s unadded me?? Like, why? Whatever, wasn’t really my type anyway and I could not see it going anywhere good with him. Couple months later I’m swiping away and see some guy with the name Ryan. Not bad. Swipe right. Its a match. 

ITS THE SAME GUY!!! He had changed his pictures so much I couldn’t tell it was the same person. First message he sends me after ghosting me was this paragraph about “Im so sorry i promise it was a mistake I was with my friends give me another chance.”  

HUH 

So I gave him another chance (yeah I know thats my bad). Ryan was talking about how he was free the following afternoon if I wanted to hang out, I said he could message me later to arrange it. Guess who never messaged me, and UNADDED ME AGAIN. Ryan the Loser. 

Few days later, adds me on snapchat! I literally add him back, say “no fuck off” and block him. Because Im a savage like that 😎 

Now there are obviously many more matches in between here, but the unfortunate reality that out of what –- checks tinder—109!!?? Matches, I’ve had decent intelligent conversations with probably 10 of them. One of such intelligent and decent conversations was with John. 

John is exactly my type, like 100%. From his like family life, physical appearance to all the other stuff… kinks.. He is perfect. Ideal man. In our first conversation though, 5 months ago now, he’d mentioned how he was only really looking for a friends with benefits thing because he doesn’t think he could handle/doesnt want a relationship right now, which I mean fair enough same here. He said verbatim, “Mostly just a bit of fun, and to meet new people. Fwb kinda thing is ideal but if the right person comes along then that might change.” 

Except I’ve fallen hard and I can’t get up. He lives like an hour south so we havent actually met yet, but hes got the house to himself for a couple weeks in August and has invited me down to stay with him a couple nights. I told mum about it and eveyrthing and she’s cool with me going as long as I keep my location on and tell her whats happening. I am so excited. I think I can genuinely trust him as well, he’s been quite vulnerable with me sometimes about his anxiety, when his cat died, things like that, and honestly I have enough blackmail material on him if anything goes wrong. (Yes of course we’ve been sending each other freaky photos, its great)  

The goal is to charm him with my autistic personality and make him fall in love with me while I visit, which is essentially a fool proof plan. At least it was, but now there is an unforeseen circumstance… 

Another tinder boy! Carson has swooped in and we have been having brilliant conversations, he’s called me gorgeous and cute instead of hot and sexy, a little less my type than John but still in my range enough.  

I did not see this coming. I was so fed up with tinder honestly, and was prepping to actually delete it when I came across Carson’s profile. And then he’s implied he wants to be obsessed with me which is like my main skill in a relationship soo…. 

I think the plan is to just talk with Carson for a while, see what he’s looking for, because if I’m being transparent, I want a relationship, I’m just scared of it because of how my last one ended. At the same time, probably not in the mental state for a relationship because of my raging attachment issues, but if I’m getting attached to them anyway then we might as well date.  

So talk to Carson, visit John in the meantime and see how that plays out. If he falls for my charm then I’m not sure what to do. I have a feeling anyway that it’ll be a one time thing, going down to hookup with John. The plan is sounding great, but likely and unfortunately not sustainable.  

Carson lives in Perth though, I’ll be there next year for uni and he seems cool enough that yeah we could have a relationship. 

Last bombshell to drop is Ruby, but thats for the next blog…. 

See you then!