Alrighty, this is a very personal blog and even just thinking about what to write at the moment is getting me overwhelmed… lets jump in. 

(Pleaseeeee bear with me.)

This is the story of how I discovered I’m bisexual. (Or at least I’m 92% sure I am) 

Let’s start with 10 year old me, who just found out that girls could like other girls romantically. My godmother had just come out and mum talked to me about it, and when I told my best friend at primary school, she said she was questioning if she liked girls as well. It shocked me a little bit at the time but my godmother is now in a great relationship with two kids and my friend has had a reasonably easy time exploring her sexuality while at school. 

Fast forward to term two, year nine, 2021, and we had an overnight school camp in one of the first weeks back after holidays. One of my friends, Lizzie, that had been helping me a lot with my mental health had mentioned a girl from her primary school was moving to our high school from a small town.  

And it was on this camp that I finally met River. She was so breath-takingly stunning, I didn’t know what I expected but she through me way off guard. 

….and immediately she got swept in with the “cool kids” – who my mum says are only cool because we give them that label. Whatever. 

River ended up in my math class, and sat just a couple rows in front of me. I learnt the curve of her eyelashes and the way her hair poked up from her ponytail. These feelings were strange. But apart from being so naturally beautiful, she was so smart and seemed really nice, even if her friends weren’t the best people at school. 

One day she had dyed her dirty blonde hair into a dark brown, and it looked great but I remember hoping that it wasn’t to fit in with all the other girls. After school that day I messaged one of my guy friends who lived in Perth to tell him about this super hot girl at school that was so perfect but dyed her hair.  

Yes, my logic was that a guy would understand my feelings towards a girl he didn’t know, purely because I said she was pretty. He didn’t get it but for the benefit of the doubt I’ll say he tried his best.  

It got to a point with River that I needed to tell my friends at school.  

First, Lizzie. I told her on the bus home from school that I was finding River really pretty and didn’t know why or what to do about it. Thats when Lizzie told me that she was bisexual, and actually liked one of my good friends when they were younger. Alright cool. That went well. 

Next I told Milly on the bus back to school from our cross country. (River had got in the top 10; sporty AND smart is just not fair.) She said she was also questioning if she was bisexual or not, and that it was cool I told her because now we could both talk to each other about that stuff. Awesome. Another success. 

— side note; while this is story time about bisexuality, I also started liking this guy from my sports class (it seems like all the guys got taller and hit the gym in year 9), and his name was Tom. Theres a much larger story about him but lets not dwell on the details here– 

Last I told Josetta, my best friend at the time. I was super nervous about this because she had stood by me for the past year when I was really struggling with friends and my mental health, and I didn’t want this to turn her away from me. I took Josetta away from the group and we went and sat on the lawn at the back of the school away from everyone. 

I’d said I needed to tell her something, and to please please not judge me or stop being friends with me. I reckon she thought it was something much worse.  

Then I told her I liked Tom. 

And that I liked River.  

And I’m pretty sure I liked both sexes.  

And I was about to have religion, with both of them in the same class. 

Josetta was shocked I think, and definitely not what she expected to hear. But just like always, she was supportive and said the exact right things that made me feel like this was the right thing to do. 

I reinforced that I wasn’t actually sure if I liked girls romantically and sexually, or if I just thought they were pretty. She said thats ok, as long as I don’t try to hit on her.  

And that was that. My friends knew.  

Later that year I was talking to a guy (for validation and no other reason, of course) when I discovered a magical secret – guys think bisexual girls are so hot! Maybe because they think it ups their chance at a threesome, but really its kind of gross to think about guys thinking of girls doing stuff together BECAUSE THEY AREN’T ATTRACTED TO MEN.  

Personally, if I was a lesbian, the last thing I would ever do, was something that pleases someone that you’re not attracted to. Thats like.. I can’t think of a good analogy, but its gross anyway.

But I’m not a lesbian, and my great relationship with my father means my main source of validation comes from guys I’m barely attracted to. Anyway, back on track…. 

These feelings of bisexual-ness stayed mostly underground for the next couple years. I did NOT tell my family, hadn’t told the school counsellor, hadn’t even told the rest of my friends yet. But I did manage to tell every guy I ever had a talking stage (or slut phase) with, because they like it. (They shouldn’t, I would have dropped every single guy in an instant if a girl showed interest in me.) 

I felt it every now and then, like in year 10 when a new girl came to our school for like a month and then left again. She walked into my english class with her top button undone, skirt hitched halfway up her thighs, gum in her mouth and her hair scrunched messily to the side of her head. This broke every school dress code just about, keep in mind this was a Catholic school that had a formal uniform has the everyday uniform. In that moment I felt no better than a guy. She was so hot.  

Part of me felt so wrong for liking girls. When we had sport at school and had to change into our sports gear in the changerooms, I would literally always use a bathroom stall because I felt like such a perv just seeing other girls in their lacey bras and sports shorts. I guess in that way I am better than a man. 

Even at springers in year 11 – which is similar to the school ball except the students run it – half the girls were wearing silk slips for dresses, and they weren’t especially high neck or low skirt dresses. By this time I was preoccupied with a boyfriend, and he knew I liked girls, just as I knew he liked boys, but neither of us told a lot of people for fear of judgement and rejection. Kids are cruel man. 

**My ex and I broke up at the start of year twelve**

Soon enough, the end of year twelve is rolling around. Thinking about heading to a new city and then university, I really thought it was time to tell some more people. You never know what could happen, and (from what I’ve seen in movies) uni was for experimenting, and I wanted to be able to tell people how I felt. Although Josetta and I weren’t close anymore, I messaged and asked if how I came out to her was alright. Again, she was so supportive of me and said it was perfect, and she’s proud of me for wanting to let our friends know who I was.  

I figured that telling my school friends would be a good start. 

So I did. Some people asked questions, some made jokes (thats okay though, it made me feel more comfortable with the conversation), and Beatrice changed our instagram chat theme to “pride”, which still makes me so happy everytime I see it. Thanks Bee.  

And after my friends, I told the school counsellor. I hadn’t originally told her because I was scared she would say it was an attention thing, if I wasn’t getting enough attention from guys. I expressed this fear to her. She told me that she would only say that if I thought I was a lesbian. Fair enough. 

I left high school with zero relationships with girls, but I feel as though it would have caused a lot of unnecessary drama, especially in such a gossip ridden school. 

And then you already know the story of downloading tinder in a less than sober state. I did open my preferences up to everyone, so I was seeing profiles of all genders. Never got a lot of response from girls though, which might be because they want relationships not sex, or maybe they’re not as desperate, or maybe the dating apps were showing me straight girls I had no chance with. I fricking hope not. 

But… I did match with one girl. Well at first, while I was still in Geraldton. She seemed super chill and pretty and soon enough I asked if she wanted to go out with me.  

She did!!! 

Wait no! Now I have to tell my mum!? I can’t drive, I don’t expect her to pick me up when I asked her out. Omg. 

I had finished school by this point and was working with Steve my boss a lot more often now. I told him I was going on a date and said I had to tell my mum and ask if she could drop me at the movies (we watched Moana 2). Steve asked if he could drive… as in my date. I said she. Steve said, I know your mum can drive but what about him. I said her. 

Steve said “OOOHHHHHHH” 

“I didn’t know you were swinging that way girly. Good on you. Opens up 100% more of the population for you.” 

I asked if he minded not telling anyone because I wasn’t 100% sure and my parents still didn’t know. He said that was fine, and he’s honoured I trusted him enough to tell him.  

But of course I did. I told Steve just about everything and the only judgement I got was for eating too many ice creams at work. 

I came home that night and told mum I needed to talk. She came into my room and sat down looking at me. Omg stop looking at me. 

“Mum, can you not look at me?”  

“Oh. Alright.” She turns and faces the complete other direction. Smh. 

“Mum, I’m going on a date on Friday night…” 

“Ok.” 

“…with a girl.” 

“Ok.” 

And then she got up and left the room. I was a little bit devastated. It wasn’t a bad reaction necessarily, but she was treating me so different. Had I said it was a guy I was going out with, there would have been a full interrogation of name, age, occupation, school, family situation, pets, license status, police check, middle name, school reports, family tree… 

I might be exaggerating, but to not even be asked who she was really disappointed me.  

Along came Friday night, and I was so stressed. Did I bring a rose with me from my front yard? I would like if someone did that for me. Is that too weird for two girls? Should it be any different because of gender? Maybe not on a first date? Mum said it was weird. So I bought her a pink rose.  

I showed up 20 minutes early to the movie, after walking there, I re-perfumed, slicked my hair, put on lip balm and bought the movie tickets. When Lily arrived, I did not know what to do. I was so out of my depth. We sort of half hugged and sat down in the foyer to wait for the movie to start.  

We made some small talk, but in the silence between sentences we sort of just giggled? You know how you do with your friends when something is super awkward? Yeah. That type of giggle. I gave her the rose and said how my mum thought it was weird. She said it was fine, it was nice. She paid for the popcorn and drinks and then we went and sat in the movie theatre.  

We sat in one of the back corners; it was already a pretty full theatre. Some dumb kids were mucking around a couple rows across from us, yelling lines from Vine which just made us giggle again. FUCK WHY CANT I STOP GIGGLING 😭 

Maybe thats my bad for choosing a kids movie, but Lily said she was hoping I would pick Moana.  

The theatre filled up pretty quick, and I got so nervous again. Our hands kept touching in the popcorn bucket. There was no way I could pretend to yawn and casually drape my arm around her shoulder like in the movies, like Steve told me to do. Stupid seat dividers.

About halfway through I reached for her hand and held it for a bit, but again, the seat divider made this awfully uncomfortable, and she let go after a little bit.  

At the end of the movie she asked if I wanted a lift so I said yes. We didn’t talk much during the movie and I did not know how my vibes were reaching her, but to me, my vibes were projecting awkward energy. 

Once she’d parked her car, we sort of sat for a minute. I was thinking about kissing her.  

I took my seatbelt off and leant over the center console and asked if I could do this…. and then kissed her cheek. I sat back and Lily was blushing and I don’t know if she liked it or not. I asked, “I’m sorry can I try that again?” I got her on the lips this time and then we were making out in her car. HECK YEAH! FTW! 

I drew back a bit, but she was a pretty good kisser. Then Lily asked what I wanted to do, and when I tell you, my mind flashed to some unsavoury things I could do that would be so so sweet.  

–side note; I once heard someone say that if you can imagine yourself going down on someone of the same gender, thats how you can tell if you like them sexually/romantically or not– 

I told her, I can either get out or we can stay and make out in your car. Lily decided she had to get home, so I said goodnight and left.  

I watched her car sit in the dark for a minute before she drove off, and I hoped so bad that she wasn’t embarrassed or felt violated or anything. She was really quiet and I thought she liked me but I don’t know if I was forcing it on her. I maybe shouldn’t have kissed her – I mean she’d already let go of my hand in the movies, and that was just holding hands.  

We talked a few days after, and she said she was fine with it all, just hadn’t done that sort of thing before. Okay, cool.  

It felt so different though to be the one taking the lead. Like starting the conversations and making the first moves. Not that it was bad, just different to being with a guy, because most of the time guys make their intentions clear and their actions deliberate. Well in my experience at least. 

Lily and I both said we’d like to go out again, but soon enough it was the holidays and then I moved.  

Hope she’s going well though, she was really nice and patient and cool.  

And thats about it. I had told Steve about another girl from school. She was friends with one of the other girls from work, and Steve was the first person to know I liked her.  

By the way Steve, I told this girl that I liked her, it went pretty well!!! I think.. We’re going to catch up when we’re both in Perth sometime hopefully.  

So now you know my story. I am mostly sure that I am bisexual, and it is both a blessing and a curse for real.  

I hope this was entertaining to some degree, and informative to another.  

I’m working hard on some other posts so don’t forget to like and subscribe! (I’m joking please don’t mock me, my brothers watched too much youtube in our childhood) 

Bye!